It’s not racist to disdain peoples who don’t eat bacon.
Commercial tweets are the Twitter equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.
One of my customers, an 88 year old black woman said to me just now: ‘Y’all still got that colored boy workin’ for ya’? This is my life now.
Kudos to A-Rod for making professional baseball briefly relevant for everyone not a baby-boomer or Kevin Costner fan.
Late at night, while all the world sleeps, I’ll sit and wonder; Did Culture Club REALLY want to know if we wanted to hurt them? #Masochist
Just saw a commercial for a pizza you cook on the grill so can we agree the mashup phenom is past it’s expiration date now?
And speaking of mashups, do Nickelodeon and Jay Z produce all back to school television commercials? #RappingKidsMakeMeHomicidal
It’s been 28 years America, are we finally ready to forgive Fred Ward for Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins? #LetTheHealingBegin
Every time you take a ‘selfie’, the answer to it all gets a little bit harder to find.
“Avast ye!” – People preparing to pirate Breaking Bad’s premiere tonight.
I’m the kinda guy who eats garlic toast with cornbread dressing and doesn’t see the irony. #StarchesRock
Back in the 90s, that cartoon Bananas in Pajamas, they were kinda creepy huh? I just realized that.
Its bad enough that people think Taylor Swift is a songwriter, now Facebook is telling me Ashton Kutcher is inspirational. We are so doomed.
Skrillex made $16 mill this year so just roll that around the old brain pan if you happen to feel your faith in humanity making a comeback.
Please self-deport Earth if your cat’s purr is music to your ears.
Late at night, as the world sleeps, I sit and wonder; Does Sheena Easton still have Sugar Walls? Or are they made of Splenda or Equal today?
An Arkansas state senator tries to get a stupid tattoo law passed but fails miserably. Translation on Facebook: America is over. #SNOPES
Me, I’m glad Ben Affleck was cast as Batman because now nerds and geeks have something to bitch about besides Firefly being canceled.
I was gonna bitch about Ben Affleck being cast as the Dark Knight but then I remembered I’m a middle aged man.
And lo I say unto you, on the 3rd day of June, in AD 2031, Taylor Swift shall smite North West. Thus it is written, thus it shall be.
Hell, it all went downhill after Britney and Madonna French kissed anyway you Miley haters. #MTV #VMAs
‘Mission accomplished’. – Miley Cyrus, laughing all the way to the bank as she watches you post her name over and over and over and over.
Miley Cyrus isn’t what’s wrong with the world, the fact that millions of humans having nothing better to do than whine about Miley Cyrus is.
And then one day, for no particular reason at all, I reported to the dance floor. – Freakazoid Robot Gump
‘I Have A Dream Screech’ is the title of a real dissertation about the cultural relevance of Saved by the Bell, written by an LSU student.
‘Winter Olympics are Pagan-ish anyway and believe what you will, rarely see earthquakes and hurricanes in Russia now do ya’? – Pat Robertson
BREAKING: Miley Cyrus mauled by mob of strippers #HoStoleOurDance
Somebody should work on a Facebook post we can all share to stop Syria from killing people w/WMD cause that’s how we beat that Kony dude.
I got 299 Twitter followers but a Mitch ain’t one.
Seriously, I don’t think there is a single Mitch on the list.
What happened tonight on Breaking Bad is like that time we woke up and Bobby Ewing was alive on Dallas.
Check your initial reaction folks, I’m sure Ben Affleck will be great in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, duh, he won the Oscar for Fargo you know!
“I enjoyed the duck’s liver with purple hull peas and a nice Old Milwaukee”. – If Hannibal Lecter were on Duck Dynasty
Its cute when people argue pro baseball, like when papaw told ya how he hunted squirrel with spears in order to survive back in the aughts.
Wife loathes this new #Yahoo logo I’m worried she could harm this Marissa person, should I warn authorities? #spousenarc #yahoostillexists?
I have a Karma Chameleon and the Dukes of Hazzard mashup playing in my head. *sung Lovin would be easy if your colors were like Deputy Enos.