Isabella Barrett from Toddlers & Tiaras

Pageant Mom Susanna Barrett has some serious nerve.

I mean unmitigated gall, we’re talking proverbial balls the size of coconuts on this woman.

Recently, Susanna took her 5 y/o daughter to a pet charity event.

Sounds nice, I mean, what could be wrong with that?

Just one thing, the event was held at New York City nightclub ‘Libation’.

The DJ at the event invited little Isabella, one of the stars of TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras, on stage to perform ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It’.

Which she did. When TMZ, The Huffington Post and the Daily Mail described the little girl’s act  as “gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal” (here’s where pageant mom’s monster cojones come into play) Susanna filed a lawsuit against the news websites, claiming they’d “thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to her daughter Isabella.”

According to the suit: “As a result, Isabella is now perceived sexually, erotically and pornographically, and (the stories) have placed Isabella in serious physical danger, attracting the attention of others who would seek to sexualize a child.”

Yep, it wasn’t mom’s fault, it was those mean old news outlets who reported the story.

Mom dressed her up like an adult, clapped and grinned like a goon as she sang, “Everybody stops and they staring at me/I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it/I’m sexy and I know it/I’m sexy and I know it“, in the middle of a NYC nightclub, then has the unbelievable nerve to sue, claiming news websites had ‘sexualized her daughter’.

Susanna Barrett is as innocent as virgin snow. She says her daughter was in the nightclub for a charity event, but says the child left at 9pm, (I guess that’s reasonable, I had no idea this was acceptable or I’d a taken my kids out clubbing years ago).

As to how a 5 year old knows the lyrics to ‘I’m Sexy & I Know It’? That’s easy, according to mom, “We just listen to the radio, and that’s a real catchy song.”

“I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education like such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.” – Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton

Ground Control to Major... Newt?

The last thing I expected to do today was defend Newt Gingrich.

Really, I just reread that sentence and fell down the rabbit hole…

I can’t stand Newt Gingrich, I’ve despised him almost 20 years but now… MUST… DEFEND… NEWT.

God, this is physically painful.

Why am I doing this? Has up suddenly become down? Is black… now inexplicably white?

No, its just my love for the US space program, for NASA, that magnificent organization that took humankind ‘where no one has gone before’.

I know, I know a permanent moon base by 2020 is grandiose.

But its not impossible, in fact, if we hadn’t stopped traveling to the moon 40 years ago, who knows what kind of presence we’d have on our closest celestial neighbor?

Yes, I know we’re broke as a nation and yes, I know our infrastructure, roads, bridges, schools, airports etc, are crumbling.

But the benefits of America’s space program to the world are far to numerous to mention her. Google it. If you don’t know already it’ll blow your socks off to see how many modern conveniences NASA research has given us. Breathing apparatus for firefighters, blood thinner, MRIs, even hair dryers and teflon, those just scratch the surface.

So make fun of Newt if you want, I certainly will go on pointing out the megalomaniac’s many faults, but MANNED space exploration is a noble, useful human endeavor.

Manned US space exploration that is, from FOX News earlier today:

Worrisome cracks in its spacecraft have forced Russia to postpone two manned launches to the International Space Station (ISS), the Interfax news agency reported Friday — echoing a 2011 situation that left the country’s space transport vehicles grounded and led to speculation that scientists may be forced to abandon the orbiting space base.

NASA is the only way to go, maybe we can’t build Newt Gingrich’s moon base by 2020. But should we just give up on manned space flight all-together?

I sure hope the answer is no, but with political parties on the left and right mocking politicians who dare say we should continue America’s manned space exploration programs, I fear that is exactly where we will end up. 

If so, cool museums and old news clips may be all we have to remember NASA and the USA’s once great space program.

Montezuma's Revenge - Its Whats For Breakfast!

Taco Bell has just announced they’re getting into the breakfast business.

From ABC News dot com:

Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu can be found in mostly Western states. The new breakfast items are being offered in Alaska, Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Idaho, Montana, Utah, New Mexico, Nevada and Colorado, with a limited number of stores in Texas, Ohio and Oklahoma also participating. Most restaurants will begin serving breakfast around 8 or 9 a.m. and stop at 11 a.m.

Last years ‘is-it-real-meat or isn’t it’ lawsuit firmly behind them, Taco Bell wants you to drop the sausage biscuit and chow down on a Mexican themed 1st meal of the day.

Guess they got a little peeved about McDonald’s and their popular breakfast burrito because Taco Bell offers burritos with egg and your choice of sausage, bacon or steak.

Like hot stuff in the early morn? Have a spicy burrito with guacamole and red and green peppers.

Definitely not my thing, but hey, some folks drown their eggs in hot sauce and just typing that in a sentence made me queasy so who am I too judge?

Johnsonville - Spanish for Border Breakfast?

Seems Taco Bell is partnering with some breakfast heavyweights in their bid for your morning business.

In addition to Johnsonville, Cinnabon and Seattle’s Best Coffee will be on the Taco Bell breakfast menu.

Yo quiero Taco Bell breakfast…

           If you write nasty things in your book about a sitting President of the United States, don’t get your panties in a wad if he aint too nice when he comes to call.

           One other thing Guv: don’t ambush the President with a ‘handwritten letter’ inviting him to the border and then pretend its nothing less than a self aggrandizing attempt to play the martyr, a photo-op designed to help you sell more books and get more invites to appear on FOX News.

            Can you imagine the conservative outcry, the indignant squawks that would erupt from the right if a Democratic governor had tried that act with President Bush?

            Pointing a finger in his face at bottom of the ramp on Air Force One?

"Welcome to Arizona Mr President, would you like a signed copy of the book I wrote calling you a Kenyan Socialist who wants illegals to rape all the white women in America"?

From Wikipedia:

Funeral potatoes are a traditional Latter-day Saint (Mormon) casserole dish, that originated in Utah, United States.

A cold description for a truly delightful dish.

Also known as Cheesy Potato Casserole, this carbohydrate bomb consists of hash browns, cream-of-chicken soup, butter, onions, cheese & sour cream. It’s topped with crushed corn flakes and when executed correctly, is damn delicious.

Until I read a story in today’s New York Times, I thought of ‘Funeral Potatoes’ as ‘Holiday Potatoes’, they were only served at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Such a decadent dish deserves better.

Today I’m officially calling for a moratorium on the use of the term ‘Funeral Potatoes’.

I’m not heartless, I will grant ‘waivers’ for funerals if the deceased party has died from a heart attack due to obesity or diabetes due to a poor diet.

In other words, if the ‘Cheesy Potato Casserole’ and similar dishes, southern fried smothered pork chops or triple bacon cheeseburgers for instance, contributed to the death, then yes, ‘Funeral Potatoes’ is acceptable.

But if drunk Uncle Jim wrapped his pickup around a telephone pole on the way home from the local watering hole, or Aunt Jane kicks the bucket and the cause of death is a brain eating virus she caught from her home-made Nettie Pot or just say, Cousin John accidentally offs himself practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation, lets not add insult to injury by naming the funeral dishes brought in for the bereaved.  

Because something that looks like this and makes your tastebuds feel so alive –

Shouldn’t be named after a ceremony for the dead.

For years red blooded males the world over have payed homage to action star Chuck Norris.

I’ve had enough, its time we wise up as a culture and recognize the only true bad ass in Hollywood, the James Bond without the prissy accent, the Chuck Norris for the jet-set. 

I’m talking about Liam Neeson.

The man who makes Chuck Norris poop his pants

He’s been a Jedi Master, Zeus, Darkman, he led the A-Team, played a villain in two Batman movies AND in the Batman cartoon, real life heroes (Oskar Schindler & Michael Collins), a Knight of the Round Table in Excalibur, Aslan the Lion in The Chronicles of Narnia, Rob Roy (the 16th century Scottish hero, not the classic cocktail) and in the upcoming Battleship movie (based on the classic board game) he plays Admiral Shane.

In other words, Liam Neeson is what Chuckie Norris wishes he was.

A genuine, grade-A bad mutha-shut yo mouth!

Check out the trailer for Liam’s latest movie The Grey and you’ll see Liam Neeson strapping a glove to his fist, a glove that appears to have improvised claws.

Yep, he is going to fist fight a wolf.

Sith Lords, international kidnappers, mythic Gods have taken on Neeson and been found wanting, now Liam is taking on the animal kingdom.

And that wolf will die from a Liam Neeson punch, of that I’ve no doubt.

Bubba's tattoo made him quite popular on D block

So keep your stupid jokes, enjoy idiotic Walker: Texas Ranger reruns on Hallmark Channel, keep right on getting tattoos like this:

You’re only fooling yourself chumps, Liam Neeson my friends, is the REAL Chuck Norris.

With my heart freshly broken from a close loss it took a several days to get this one down on paper.

Like all members of the Who Dat Nation (New Orleans Saints Fans) I was sad to see our season end January 14, 2012.

But it was a good season, I take pride in it don’t you?

For the first time ever we were undefeated in the Super Dome!

Drew Brees SMASHED Dan Marino’s single season passing record, Jimmy Graham set the standard for NFL tight-ends, he caught 99 passes!

But ‘The Grahamanator’ wasn’t alone in the Who Dat receiving corp; Colston, Sproles, Meachem, Moore and Henderson all turned in great numbers in 2011.

After so many disappointing seasons with Reggie Bush our running game looked good. Between Sproles, Thomas, Ingram and Ivory the Saints racked up 2,127 rushing yards.

Our kicking game was solid, thanks to John Kasay and Thomas Morestead and on defense? Whoa baby!

They were a little inconsistent at the beginning of the season but Harper, Dunbar, Jenkins, Shanle, Greer and Vilma anchored a D that finished the season ranked #6 in the entire league.

There is always a price to be paid for success, less than two weeks after our season ended two other teams snapped up our offensive and defensive coordinators.

But the New Orleans Saints MVP (in my mind’s personal post season awards show) is secure, his name is Sean Payton and as long as he remains on our sideline as head coach, I’ll always feel pretty good about our chances next season.

A second round loss isn’t the Superbowl or even an NFC Championship, but its still a solid season, thanks and congrats on this years success Saint players, coaches and administration!

See y’all next fall, Who Dat!

Your Coffee...

Americans love our coffee.

According to one survey, U.S. workers spend more than $1,000 a year on coffee.

That is a grand a year in mocha, java, joe. A thousand bucks worth of cappuccinos, cafe’ au laits, espressos and frappes. $1,000.00 served in Styrofoam, demitasse, iced, frozen brewed, French-pressed and even something called ‘chem-ex’? 

Wake up and smell that!

I’m a simple man, I prefer a dark roast but I’m not a coffee snob, a little cream, a little sweetener and I’m happy.

But the days of a simple cup of coffee are long gone.

Why have a cup of coffee when one can enjoy a Raspberry Espresso with Chocolate, Raspberry, Steamed Milk with Whipped Cream?

Or how about an Iced Caramel Macchiato with Espresso, vanilla and caramel with cold milk, served over Ice?

Even McDonald’s, Mickey-Freaking-Dees for goodness sake, has gotten in on the coffee craze. Alongside the $1 menu you’ll find a java menu to rival the finest French cafe.

My Coffee

 No matter how you take it, everybody loves a good cup of coffee.

When Giant Collars & Plaids Attack!

A wave of recent store closings at Sears stores nationwide has me feeling a little nostalgic.

Sears & Roebuck played a weekly role in my early years.

My grandmother Kathleen kept a very strict schedule and Friday nights were tightly controlled.

When he got home on Friday evenings my grandfather, a construction worker, jumped in the shower and then we headed for Monroe.

When I was a teenager my grandparents varied their dining options every Friday, but in the 70′s, every Friday night, without fail, they dined at the Piccadilly Cafeteria.

Every. Friday. Night. No exceptions, no substitutions.

After dinner we shopped at Murphy Brothers and ‘Monkey Wards’ at the Twin City Mall and the JC Penney and Sears & Roebuck stores on Louisville Ave (this was B=PM: Before Pecanland Mall).

Sears was soooo boring with one annual exception; Christmas!

Every year, around Thanksgiving, the lawn & garden section was transformed into a toy section.

It was great, not nearly as cool as Howard Griffin Land of Toys in downtown Monroe, but way more fun than hiding in the clothing racks while my grandmother shopped, or tagging along as my grandfather browsed the tools and lawnmowers.

For one great month fake snow on the ceiling and a giant tree were surrounded by toys, toys and more toys!

My grandmother loved Sears and she loved their iconic catalog even more.

I remember going through the toy section of the sacred and hallow book itself, marking items I wanted for Christmas with a pencil.

How quaint that must seem to kids who shop online today.

Recent news point to brighter days ahead for Sears, their stock is up and they appear to have survived the Great Recession.

I’m glad, I would really miss it, not because I shop there much anymore, I’d miss it for all those long ago Friday nights at Sears & Roebuck with Buddy & Kat Sliger.

At least I still have the Piccadilly.

2) I briefly went to high school with Tim McGraw

3) First day -First Grade: School janitor had to get larger desk for me because I was too damn big for a first grader sized desk.

4) On my first date a girl named Lisa and I went to see TopGun.

5) For my 16th birthday I got tickets for Huey Lewis & the News AND a Dallas Marvericks/Boston Celtic game. Larry Byrd scored 50 points!

6) Rick Springfield at Louisiana Tech was my first concert in 1982.

7) As a child I ate bologna like crazy, but only if it was boiled first.

8) I once owned an Evil Knievel dirt bike.

9) Scoring 15 points in a junior varsity basketball game was the highlight of my high school athletic career.

10) At one time I wanted to become a professional bowler. Seriously.

11) I stole an ashtray off my high school principal’s desk in 1985. I still use it today.

12) I had a cake decorated with a silver Corvette for my 7th birthday.

13) My maternal great grandmother was named Minnie, my paternal great grandmother was named Etta.

14) Before they tore them down years ago, I loved to climb the fire towers in Ouachita parish.

15) I only like gospel music if its sung Acapella (I was a Church of Christ kid).

16) It’s been thirty years, but I’m still feel deprived because I didn’t get a Michael Jackson red leather coat with zippers on the sleeve.

17) When I was 7 years old I read the book ‘Salem’s Lot’. I haven’t been able to sleep in a room with open curtains ever since.

18) I refused to watch the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation out of loyalty to Captain Kirk (I relented in season 2, it quickly became my favorite TV show).

19) Speaking of Star Trek, when I was a truck driver (See #1) Captain Kirk was my CB handle (“Cause I’m always going warp speed and even them green alien chicks dig me, c’mon back”.)

20) I peed my pants at a Van Halen concert in 1991.

21) My nipples gross me out. No one else’s, just my own.

22) My left ear was once pierced. I wore either a diamond or gold stud.

23) I have no tattoos but lots of scars.

24) I am a Project Runway fan but I don’t really care for fashion.

25) Always considered 3 as my lucky number: I was born on the 3rd day of the 3rd month.

26) I was a traveling Wal-Mart portrait photographer 22 years ago, before there were supercenters with permanent photography studios.

27) The sound of fingernails on a chalkboard doesn’t bother me at all (I cringe when I’m on the phone and the other party breathes directly into the receiver though, makes me crazy, HATE that sound).

28) I have two dogs and a cat but I don’t really like pets.

29) I wish mullets were stylish.

30) My inner voice has an Scottish brogue. I’ve no idea why…