Quit playin so dang loud willya?

Posted on October 21, 2010

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My toy car, circa 1972,
WARNING!

This toy can be used as a lethal weapon in the even of an emergency.

 

 

Why are toys so dang loud?

It seems like everything my son loves to play with needs a decibel safety rating.

The latest things making me jump out of my skin; a toy police car and police helicopter. The sirens and lights on these toys make me feel as if life has become a never-ending episode of Cops.

But they’re just the latest additions to Lennon’s toy collection. The loudest has to be his 4-wheeler. It’s a battery operated Scooby Doo 4-wheeler and its cute as can be. When it’s not in use that is. When my son leaps astride it however, the thing roars to life like an industrial vacuum cleaner. It produces this gawd-awful grinding whine that makes my teeth chatter and my eyeballs pulse.

That just scratches the surface of thundering, rackety play-things in my son’s toy arsenal.

There’s Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, a 13’ plastic, pontificating toy (‘I’m stationed up in the Gamma quadrant of Sector 4!).

Then there’s the toy computer that NEVER shuts off and evidently has an inexhaustible power supply.

In honor of his namesakes (John Lennon, Jeff Buckley) his mother and I procured lots of toy instruments; a guitar, keyboard, for God’s sake we even got the boy a toy drum.

Was that really necessary?

There’s Chuck the Dump Truck. I know that’s the toy’s name because the damn thing screams it out whenever anyone passes within twenty feet. “Hi, I’m Chuck and IIII’mmmm A DUMP TRUCK!!!”.

Hi Chuck, I’m Lennon’s dad and you’re constant clatter is making me insane. 

Almost forgot the yellow bus that sings, ‘the wheels on the bus go round an round’, over and over and kill-me-now over, the list goes on and on.

When I was a kid my toys weren’t that loud, they were made out of iron and could be used as lethal weapons, but they weren’t that loud.

Were they?

Now excuse me I must go, Buzz Lightyear is advising me to stand back while he powers up his laser.

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When did Superman get a utility belt? I thought that was Batman…

I guess it was the same time Superman started packing a pistol...

I guess it was the same time Superman started packing a pistol…

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