Sauvignon Beard & Mallard Merlot

Posted on April 23, 2012


The Duck Dynasty family buys a winery and Uncle Si gets in touch with his feminine side.

“Most of the rednecks I know think that wine only comes in a box, there’s way more varieties”. – Willie Robertson

With that bold proclamation Willie Robertson, CEO of Duck Commander announces to the family that he’s purchased a winery. Online. Sight unseen.

As Willie, Jase and Ms Kay tackle new found duties as vintners, Phil and Uncle Si find themselves babysitting 4 little girls, Phil’s granddaughters.

The show opens with Willie & Jase and their respective spouses, Korie and Missy attending an art show at a local museum.

Willie seems right at home, Jase not so much, in fact, it seems Jase thinks Willie may be getting a bit snobbish, perhaps forgetting his redneck roots, Willie doesn’t think so, in his mind he’s just trying to broaden the family’s horizons.

Meantime, Ms Kay is hanging out with her 4 young granddaughters when one of them announces her intentions to marry Justin Beiber, and observation that prompts the Duck Dynasty matriarch to say, “I just don’t know about this Justin the Beaver character”.

Back at home Willie tells the rest of the family about the winery, prompting Jase to describe it as, ‘Like someone giving me backstage passes to an insured disaster”.

When Willie, Jase & Ms Kay visit their new winery they leave Phil & Uncle Si in charge of the girls who decide to give the kids a lesson in catfish cleaning and duck blind construction.

I mentioned these were little girls right?

After cleaning and then frying up the freshly caught catfish… the girls demand grill cheese sandwiches for lunch.

“I would say this is just this side of hell, maybe hell itself”. – Phil’s take on babysitting.

Meantime, Ms Kay, Jase, Willie and a crew from the Duck Commander warehouse arrive at the Robertson’s new winery where Willie’s ignorance of the wine making business soon becomes evident.

“Jesus turned water into wine, how hard could it be?” – Willie

Willie is planning a wine tasting event to announce the newest Duck Commander acquisition in ten days.

Only problem, his grape trees are bare.

So he dispatches Jase to buy grapes from the nearest grocery store.

What follows is the greatest televised tale of wine making since Lucy and Ethel learned to stomp grapes in the classic episode of ‘I Love Lucy’.

First, the Duck Dynasty crew use a wine press.

It doesn’t go so well…

Jase explains, “Its a regurgitation of grapes, they’re oozing out of every orifice. I never realized a fruit could be so violent and dangerous, its like a grape horror show”.

Indeed, with an exploding wine press and grape gore covering the walls and floor you could say it was kind of like a couple of redneck bulls in a china/wine shop.

But after filling a giant vat with grapes, removing their shoes for a little bit of barefoot grape stomping ala Lucy & Ethel, the gang manages to squeeze enough juice to make the very first batch of Duck Dynasty wine.

Meanwhile, back at the Roberston Ranch, Phil and Uncle Si, two veteran hunters who’ve stalked ever critter what lives in the wild woods, two rednecks who love to blow up stuff with high-explosives just for fun, continue to be confounded by 4 little girls.

The girls want to have a tea-party, their grandfather isn’t down for that.

“These girls need a girly-man”. – Phil

They found one, Uncle Si is up for the challenge, “I’ve had a lot of people tell me I have a feminine side”, he boasts as the girls apply makeup to his grizzled features and place a tiara on his head.

Now its time for the Duck Commander Wine Tasting Party, the vineyard looks great, there is a big crowd on hand and the whole Robertson clan is there dressed in their finest camo.

Willie welcomes their guests and invites them to try ‘Mallard Merlot’, the first batch of wine from the Duck Dynasty vineyard.

Sadly, it’s not well-received, seems Willie ignored the advice of local vintner, Jeff Landry of Landry Wines.

Jeff told Willie that wine grapes were not the same kind of grapes one could be buy at the grocery store.

Jase: “It tastes like a cross between doe urine and jalapeno juice”.

But one member of the Duck Dynasty was impressed, “Full-bodied”, Uncle Si says with a wink and empties the glass in a single gulp.


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