Random Tweets From A Disturbed Mind

Posted on September 20, 2012

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“When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be yo fat ass mama.”

From here on out, anyone who uses the phrase ‘put on your big girl panties’, is declared an enemy of the state and shall be shot on site.

Dear Princess Kate Middleton, please put your titties away. Thanks, everybody who is sick of the story about your titties.

‘Kim Kardashian names her cat’ is a headline with the potential to prompt violent worldwide protests. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya…

Every time you send me a game request I get a mental picture of your head perched on a pike hung from my castle walls #GriffinGettinMedieval

I’ll have you know that cheap toilet paper is the real enemy Ms Sinéad Marie Bernadette O’Connor.

When notifications pop up on my facebook page, they block my view, when this occurs – suddenly genocide doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

When you say – ‘Like a Boss’ – I plan a painful lingering death for you.

I apologize to any Native Americans my last tweet offended. I’m sorry only to the Injuns tho, screw you white man.

But what if I hate Beyonce & Kim Kardashian equally?

Dear people who like ‘The Expendables’ movies, quick question – being retarded, that is really tough huh?

After 9 years of marriage and two children Amy Poehler and Will Arnette are splitting up. I blame Gob for this.

I would totally watch Honey Boo Boo if she would climb back into her mother then burst out of mommy’s chest ala ‘Alien’.

Cee Lo Green starring in an NBC Family sitcom is reason enough to defect to Russia

Like the smile of a child or the laughter of angels. That’s the feeling of NEVER hearing Taylor Swift’s latest ‘love song’, I am so blessed

What is the turn signal on my motorized steed if not a glorious and blazing beacon to salute, indeed to herald my coming? Into your lane.

If you wore white today you may as well prepare yourself; a monumental ass whoopin’ is making its way to your location even as we speak.

That I have grey and blond crazy old man eyebrows sprouting from my face isn’t too disturbing, but the fact that I’m sorta proud of them is.

If you name you dog after a food; Pork Chop, Hambone, Cocoa etc, I will come to your house and eat your pet. I mean it.

Ann Romney does too understand struggle! Why just last night she struggled mightily to keep Chris Christie from eating Rafalca.

If Serena Williams had a baby with LL Cool J, it would karate chop its enemies with deadly tennis racket/turntable hands.

The fact that Kanye West has a $14 million car is reason enough to go to war with Iran.

Don’t wanna seem insensitive here, but ‘Hiker Mauled to Death by Grizzly Bear in Alaska’ seems like a pretty run of the mill headline to me.

I dreamed you were hanging out with skanky whores so I replaced you w/Gordon Ramsey. And I slept on my hand – My Wife to me just moments ago

I’m distraught about this Lance Armstrong story… Now I’ll never look at bicycles, France or Sheryl Crow the same again.

In fashion, one day you’re in. The next day you’re murdering strangers on 5th Ave.

Criminal scum would think twice about breaking into domicles if every American household were armed with an LL Cool J. From my cold dead LL.

 

 

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