More Random Tweets

Posted on December 11, 2012


But what it takes more than two shakes? I’m serious, I’m not playing w/it, I just require a minimum of 4 shakes. Don’t you judge me man.

“Enlarged to show texture/detail” is a disclaimer printed on cereal boxes and my underwear.

Butthole Surfers – most awesome band name ever and if you disagree then screw you, yo mean wife, yo heinous kids, fat mama and mangy pets.

Wet feet and cabbage soup smell in my cube is overwhelming me, please tell my family I love them.

I’m was valedictorian at the School of Soft-Body-Blows (cause I bruise easily).

As of 5:00 CST today: An Indian tribe deep in the Amazon rain forest are the only human beings who have not seen Kate Moss’ bare breasts.

I was not born in this world to entertain everyone. Only the sexy people. Now dance, dance I said.

Best Buy is the Katy Perry of electronic retailers.

“Creed was the original Nickelback, even before there was a Nickelback. And what the hell is wrong w/Scott Stapp’s face?” – My wife Amy

I’d rather be corn-holed by an angry orangutan than watch even one millisecond of a Hulk Hogan sex tape.

Please don’t take this personally but I’d vigorously flay each and every one of you and all your pets too for a frozen margarita right now.

Just so you know, Halloween candy corn is made from unicorn ear wax.

Happy Genocide of Native Americans (Columbus) Day – Celebrate this occasion with traditional smallpox blankets and firewater!

Jennifer Aniston simply had to have a HUGE engagement ring. It made up for the hole in her heart and Jolie-Pitt-scarred, atrophied uterus.

How many innocent toddlers beaten for saying the name Holly Shiftwell (character from Cars 2)? Disney/Pixar, inadvertent child abusers.

I have eleven facebook friends named Heather. Does that mean I’m going to die soon?

Just because I complain doesn’t mean I have a solution. I just like to bitch. It’s my hobby, my version of stamp collecting.

‘For the love of God and all this is holy please help me’, – Michael Vick’s new dog.

Judge not lest ye be reamed with a baseball bat.

I guess Lance Armstrong finally understands now how Casey Anthony feels.

‘She is in bed sick with the diarrhea’ – Someone to me a few minutes ago. Ya know, sometimes I really don’t need the details.

For God’s sake will someone please pay some attention to that worn out, needy old English dude, the one named, what was it? Oh yeah, Madonna

Please note; ‘Will Work For Mustache Rides’ is an awful sign for a homeless person.

I will donate $5 to the charity of your choice if you will donkey-punch Donald Trump.

‘Have you ever made love to a wolverine’ is something that has never been asked till now. Damn, I am such a freaking trailblazer.

Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, the History Channel & Stephen King are just a few of the reasons college degrees are becoming obsolete.

Heed my words people – IF Jar Jar Binks is in Star Wars 7, mass riots will ensue. Death/Destruction/Chaos will grip the planet, wait an see.

Nosfera-tutu – Ballet wear in hell.

‘It is only the abnormal who are driven to drink’ is my new disclaimer.

If you vote for Prz Barak Obama he will eat your baby quicker than a dingo. Romney/Ryan if you don’t wanna see babies eaten by a black man.

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