Kneel Before Random Tweets!

Posted on December 26, 2012


Whenever you pronounce, ‘Alls I’ve got to say is…’ you’re setting humanity back on the evolutionary scale so stop doing that please.

Have you ever hated someone so much that you wish you could go back in time and kill their mom? I have not, I just wondered if you had.

If you ‘liked’ George Lopez on Facebook just know you’ve offended God ok?

Selling knockoff Hostess ‘Twonkies/Dong Dings’ Sunday. Same secret spot as the last time (w/Folex watches), password is Pussywillow Jones.

Career tip: If you’ve ever started a sentence w/ “This tattoo was inspired by…’ then odds are you’d make a piss-poor venture capitalist.

Between Vampire hunting and the Spielberg treatment this Lincoln fellow is really hot, he should get a reality show, maybe fashion line too.

RE the Hostess bankruptcy – prudent reminder ‘eating stale Twinkies is perfectly safe’ rule DOES NOT apply to strippers nicknamed Twinkie.

Older woman all over America are watching the new Twilight movie tonight just in case you’re wondering why there is a shortage of batteries.

So exactly how surprised was Taylor Swift last night? Just Really? Or really, really?

Will any brothels be offering Black Friday specials? Asking for a friend.

The unthinkable has happened – I actually feel a little bit sorry for Mariah Carey. Damn you Nicki Minaj, damn you I say.

‘You’re not being subjective’ -Me, to anyone who disagrees with me (my secret to winning arguments ((don’t know what subjective means tho)).

Somewhere in Idaho, Toby Keith, Bocephus, Kid Rock and The Nuge are writing a power ballad about secession an having sex w/Victoria Jackson.

Certain upper-crust cannibals, upon rare occasion, take future meals on as temporary apprentices. These people are known as filet minions.

Though not certain where ‘its’ at, I’ve been assured I’ll find two turntables and a microphone, when I determine the exact location of ‘it’.

This holiday season please remember that a child may be abused b/c you made their parent mad sitting thru a green light on your cell phone.

My busy time of year has begun as I make up sanctimonious smart ass comments about Black Friday shoppers and verbally skewer all XMAS songs.

Why is it that all American Presidents look like Bond villains whenever they pardon the annual Thanksgiving turkey?

Don’t worry if you’re alone and lonely this Thanksgiving, it just means that you suck oh, and also, nobody loves you, so don’t sweat it ok?

I bid you all, each and everyone of you and your families too a Happy Thanksgiving. Except for Rihanna & Katy Perry, those bitches can die.

I just pictured Papa John in a 69 with Chick-fil-A, must be Thanksgiving!

Scientists say the average kitchen sponge is 2,000 X germier than the average toilet seat so now I’m pretty sure my kitchen sponge has AIDS.

If a print or televised cartoon gives you an erection the USDA certifies you as a pedophile and I’d have to say that’s fair wouldn’t you?

‘Son, eat the cake too, not just the icing’ is something I’m forced to say far too often.

In the not to distant future, as illiteracy becomes the norm, the use of the word ‘too’ will result in many a school yard beat down.

Interesting article out today, ‘Signs you’re on the Computer Too Much’. I’d read it but I’m too busy facebooking, tumblr’ing and tweeting.

‘That girl is poison’. – Sh@t my Bell Biv Devoe says

Imagine Barney Fife as David Caruso character on CSI: Mayberry, whipping off his sunglasses, catching Gomer peeking in Thelma Lou’s window.

Anyone who thinks Dolly Parton is gay obviously never saw her seduce Sly Stallone in the classic Rhinestone. Like, duh people. #DollyNotGay

All the world’s sadness, sorrow, heartache, disease and yes, even pestilence, can be laid at the feet of Ricky Schroder. #SilverSpoonsBitch.

You know when you push a phone keypad button and cause a BBEEEPPP to blast into someone’s ear? That’s like when Hitler killed all those Jews

Did you know if you have spell check on your computer you have the equivalent of a Masters Degree from 1957? Technologee sure is awsum huh?

If you read the Lindsay Lohan arrest story today, God will send the Angel of Death to your door to claim your first-born offspring tonight.

I don’t like to judge but you must believe me when I say Atlanta Falcons fans are just like the Romans who crucified Jesus. #WhoDat #IGOHELL

‘Sandwiched between woven rashers of bacon’ – the sexiest sentence ever written in human history.

Back in the good old days Americans could send their 8 y/o’s to buy cigarettes. That was freedom dog, for real. #Don‘tTreadOnMeBigGov’t

I am totally convinced this world would be a much better place if every man-made surface were spangled.

Just so you know, when your cat destroys your window blinds poor people die from cholera in 3rd world nations. Ya selfish cat owning jerks.

Caucasian fans of the television shows Bones and Two & A Half Men are secretly members of an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell. You have been warned.

‘You’re too dumb to own intellectual property’, is perhaps the cruelest thing that’s been said to me recently.




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