Attack of the Random Tweets

Posted on January 23, 2013


The father of Peter Dinklage was the dancing dwarf in Men W/O Hats ‘Safety Dance’ video 29 years ago is a unknown fact that I just made up.

You guys hear this big news? Princess Kate is pregnant with Gordon Ramsay’s love child.

Jesus was born in a manger to a virgin so you could get 1/2 off Ugg boots. So it written, so it shall be lay-a-wayed.

‘Big Fish’ is one of my favorite movies and I’ve just now learned Miley Cyrus is in it. So I’m gonna kill myself now. #GoodbyeCruelWorld

And, just to set the record straight, ‘Big Fish’ is only one of the reasons I think Billy Crudup is an asshole.

Honey Boo Boo has made the 2012 list of “Most Fascinating People”. So, now it must be said: Barbara Walters has to die.

I’ve hung seasonal decorations so if you mess with my holiday cheer I will cut you.

Now that I know Taylor Swift is a slutty little hootchie I think I actually like her a little bit. Not her gawd-awful ‘music’ though.

Fiscal Cliff was my favorite ‘Cheers’ character.

The GI Joe sequel is perfect for those of you who found The Expendables too cerebral.

12/7 Let us pause, reflect. Pearl Harbor killed Josh Hartnett’s career. Luckily for America, Ben Affleck & Liv Tyler survived. #NeverForget

Quick, open a bag on Munchos; now inhale deeply. FACT: The moldy smell exactly matches the aroma wafting off Wilfred Brimley’s denture box.

Dyslectics can’t help but pronounce it ‘Knartfocker’ and its totally uncool for you to laugh at that, OK?

I only say Happy Holidays because I worship Satan.

When I hear a random infidel say, ‘Happy Holidays’, I want to behead them. Then I realize I’m mixing up my religions. Oops. #MySeasonalBad

Yesterday I felt actual sympathy for the Dallas Cowboys. So now I’m pretty sure those Mayans were spot-on about the end of the world re 1221

I think Lana Del Rey should play The Joker since Heath Ledger is dead and all.

Country music singer and star of NBC’s ‘The Voice’ star Blake Shelton is Hitler’s grandson. #AnotherFactI‘veJustTotallyMadeUp.

I’m building a time machine so I can go back and kill Ayn Rand’s father, you guys keep Paul Ryan distracted.

‘Kanye West’s skirt’ is an actual news story. So I see the Apocalypse is right on schedule.

All I want for Christmas is to meet the Ermahgerd girl.

And in music news this Friday, Neneh Cherry and Insane Clown Posse are pairing up for a duet titled ‘Juggallo Stance’.

My sinuses are so rotten, my breathing so labored, henceforth I shall be known as C.O.P.Darth Vader. #PhlegmBreathersAreANewFormOfLife

So, anyway.. on another subject, how bout that Tom Cruise? He sure does makes entertaining movies, I mean for a batshit crazy guy and all.

Sloppy sex and snotty sex sound a lot alike but totally aren’t.

If you’ve ever been curious about where ideas go to die, a place where intelligence plods towards extinction, read comments on news stories.

In case you were wondering, nothing much has changed – Ben Stein is still a truly awful human being.

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