CAUTION! Entering Random Tweet Zone

Posted on February 12, 2013


If you truly care about Jennifer Aniston baby bump news, I am coming for you. Make your peace with God now.

If you know the song Three Marlenas by the Wallflowers start singing it aloud, but use Darth Vader in place of Malena. That’s cool huh?

Just so you know, ‘Have a decorative holiday cupcake you bitch’, is not a proper seasonal greeting.

Someday in the future I pray to be important enough to be the subject of an internet #RIP hoax. That’s right world, I got big dreams!

Dear all my black friends, In case the world ends this Friday are you planning to ice skate or line dance just once before it all ends?

If the world ends tomorrow I’ll blame anyone who ever put an article of clothing on a dog or a cat. Not turtles though cause that is FUNNY!

Can you rent-to-own mail order brides? Asking for a friend who has matrimony on the brain but really, really piss-poor credit.

Ask not what you’re country can do for you; ask what you can do to save a 3% tax break for the Koch brothers.

This is Mike Tyson’s favorite holiday so please, nobody ruin if for him. He never need learn the true meaning of Boxing Day. I love you Mike

That awkward moment when I bludgeon you to death for your incessant overuse of ‘that awkward moment when’.

Sir Patrick Stewart clearing snow. ‘Make it blow’, he commands, pulling the starter cord.

The result of Judge Reinhold’s horrific plastic surgeries make me wanna break the Endangered Species Act.

Know that old folks, the Greatest Generation, grey & wrinkled seniors – order pay-per-view cable porn. I’m serious. Also, quite nauseous.

True Fact: the ‘Star Trek: Enterprise’ theme song is an abomination before God, Allah & L Ron Hubbard.

Wu-Tang of the Clan MacLeod, there can be only one Method Man.

Late at night when I can’t sleep and all the world is quiet, my mind travels to Matthew Wilder and I wonder does his stride remain unbroken?

Remember when Toyota truck owners would paint over every letter but the Y and the O on their tailgates? That was so uncool.

At times I think about the Olsen twins, over sized, hideous mutant eyes, enormous five heads and clothing line, and I weep bitter tears.

Today is the first annual ‘Sucker Punch a Hipster’ Day. Enjoy, and please designate a driver.

That awkward moment when yo mama.

Brent Musburger is actually an immortal. He is 969 years old and his middle name is Woody. #BCS #BSCSoundsLikeATerminalDiseaseLikeALSno?

Tomorrow is ‘Shart Appreciation Day’, all Americans are encouraged to show solidarity with Al Roker. Thank U Depends, our corporate sponsor.

He-Man needs to quit frontin’, jus admit he is a naked, busted-ass, blonde Prince Valiant.

Alex Jones makes love to seven space aliens every 5th Wednesday whilst Trilateral Commission apprentices look on ridiculing his member.

Attention: Those of you dealing with ‘Elk grief’ – Courage

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