Up Your Nose With An Afrin Hose

Posted on March 14, 2013

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Decisions, decisions...

Decisions, decisions…

I like Afrin OK?

It’s my preferred nasal spray, I’ve used it since I was a teenager with rotten sinuses and demonic acne, today the pimples are better but I still have those terrible sinus passages, miserable mucus highways that get tighter than Dick’s hatband every time the temperature changes.

That’s why, for the millionth time in my life it seems – I found myself perusing the nasal spray selections at a local store this past weekend.

Normally your humble scribe endorses generics (Great Value from Wally World is my fave brand), but when it comes to my nasal passages I gotta have name brand.

When I wore a younger man’s clothes Afrin did not come in 8 gagillion varieties as it does today and I soon learned opting for a particular version of their product as one’s head pounds from satanic sinusitis makes the decision making process so much more fun.

First up, we have regular, or original Afrin, I’ve always equated the soothing maroon color with clear, unhindered breath. I’m a junkie, I admit it.

That first blast of cool relief is like a drop of moisture on a baked desert floor and when it creeps and seeps and burns its way through, pushing and bulldozing a tunnel to allow air to mercifully pass through my embattled nose, the relief is so palpable I can almost see it. Hell, on my worst days I can see it, smell it and even offer said relief a cup of coffee.

But Afrin has expanded their line since yours truly got hooked in the 80’s. In addition to that maroon on white bottle with a rocket shaped tip, original Afrin now comes in a ‘Pump Mist’. How that differs between the usual Squeeze & Squirt’ I’m not real sure. Other than being $1.2o more than the original Afrin of course.

Cue infomercial announcer; But wait, there’s more!

Afrin No Drip is here and it’s dropped that drab old maroon for a Cobalt Blue hue and Hunter Green for SEVERE CONGESTION No Drip.

Can we talk about SEVERE CONGESTION for just a second? If my sinuses are stopped up like my kitchen sink and I need nose Drano then you can bet it’s already SEVERE. There is no such thing as mild congestion in my nasal regions. It’s smooth sailing or SEVERE congestion, there is no middle ground.

But severe is an option, makes me feel cheated visa-vi my 30+ years of Afrin addiction, why have they been holding back the good stuff, I could’ve used some of that SEVERE CONGESTION in my life a long time ago.

But my disbelief is just kicking in as I slide on down the Afrin shelf and what do I spy? Soothing generic nose spray. Excuse me? You’re telling me I been squirting this Afrin stuff up my nose like Lindsay Lohan with an Eight-Ball of the finest Colombian and all this time I could have been soothed?!?

How could you treat me this way Afrin? After all these years, after millions of squirts up my nose, after night after night of endlessly pumping my nasal cavities with your product, after all that – I found out you’ve been holding back the good stuff on me?

I feel so dirty, so used. I suppose I’m naive’, I just never thought a pharmaceutical company could be so cold. Live and learn.

So listen up Afrin! I want a pumping misting nose spray that doesn’t drip for severe congestion, forget regular congestion, there is no such thing! 

Can’t breath through your nose? That is always severe.

And by Gawd, and all that is nasally holy, this no-drip, severe congestion pump mist nasal spray damn well better soothe me too!

Meantime, I’ll just have to stick with the devil I know…

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But at least it’s SEVERE CONGESTION!

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