The Duck Truck and the Sunken Boat

Posted on March 29, 2013

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Duck_Dynasty_Promo

More in my quest to catch up on mega-hit Duck Dynasty, the reality show that stars a redneck family from my hometown:

Truck Commander

The episode kicks off with Willie & Korie Robertson facing a classic dilemma, teenage kids and cars. Their son John Luke (did they name that kid after Captain Picard?) has brought Willie’s huge 4-wheel drive truck home outta gas. Again. So, is it time to buy the boy a ride of his own?

Here, I gotta pick a bone with the DD folks, teenagers in big trucks are a pet peeve of mine: big ass, jacked-up, army tank-sized trucks to be exact. The things make me nervous. Frankly, I don’t much like adults driving them.

Growing up in the deep south huge 4-wheel drives are a common site but in recent years we’ve seen them grow to epic proportions. We even have our own world famous company in West Monroe that will ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ your vehicle, their name – appropriately; Skyjacker*

*So I’m editing this piece, decide to link the Skyjacker website and who is on the front page? Fella named Willie Robertson, turns out they jacked up several vehicles in the Duck Dynasty Fleet.

Look – http://skyjacker.com/page.php?PageID=463

You ever been sitting at a red light or a stop sign and had one of these behemoths pull up beside or behind you? It’s like the opening scene of Star Wars IV: A New Hope; you’re in Princess Leia’s wee little space ship then suddenly this Star Destroyer proportioned Ford F-150 is idling over you like the world’s tallest cliff.

Huge trucks scare me and so many families in my neck of the woods send their teenage kids out in these towering mobile leviathans. High school football season is the worst, every Friday night in the fall its like a Transformers movie, huge trucks plying the roads piloted by oversexed, teenaged meat sacks drunk on testosterone (and sometimes just plain drunk).

Hopefully, the kid named after the captain of the Enterprise D is careful when rolling around in dad’s 4-wheel drive Star Destroyer. I really am hopeful because I’ve spoken with people around town who tell me all of the Roberston kids are very polite and respectful.

I like the way Willie shops for John Luke’s first truck. Of course it’s a truck, ya think a male member of this clan is gonna roll around in a Fiat? Along to truck shop is everybody’s favorite redneck goofy-goober, the one and only Uncle Si who takes Willie and Capt Picard’s namesake on a tour of northeast Louisiana junkyards. Yep, junkyard trucks. No shiny, new monster truck for this son of a multimillionaire, John Luke Roberston, Duck Dynasty heir, was getting a used-car**.

Speaking of trucks, Uncle Si takes the fellas on this junket in his old Chevy 4X4, a battered old hulk he lovingly calls The Grey Ghost. Southerners love to name their vehicles, we assign our wheels individual monikers like a pet, a nickname if you will.

The first truck I remember is my grandfather’s 1971 Ford, it was his ‘work truck’ and he called it ‘Old Blue’ because it was a sun-faded baby blue. It’s a time-honored tradition and how my 1987 Monte Carlo came to be known as ‘The Mighty Monte’  and my 1970 Oldsmobile Delta 88 became ‘The Beast’. My youngest brother calls his Toyota ‘Silver Streak’ today.

Say, that gives me an idea, MTV could make a reality series called ‘Name Yo Ride’, we could follow a different redneck every week in a quest to name their clunkers. Well, CMT would be a better choice I suppose… I wonder if the DD peeps could hook a wannabe TV producer like me up?

Anyway, back to the story. After Willie, his Starfleet first-born, Uncle Si and his glass of tea figure out that a junkyard truck isn’t the way to go, the trio arrives at a local car lot and Willie picks out a gently used truck for his son, I think it may have even been a 2-wheel drive if you can believe it.

But that’s not all, one used car salesman had a very lucky day as Uncle Si decided it was time to retire The Grey Ghost and get himself a new-used truck.

Meanwhile, Jase and his band of merry-men, the rest of the never-seem-to-be-working employees of Duck Commander are, as usual – finding reasons not to work. This time it’s crawfish season. Now understand Louisiana loves it’s mudbugs, your humble correspondent is absolutely addicted – https://griffinscott.wordpress.com/2012/03/12/spicy-fingers/ – so taking off work to pursue these delicious carapace cloaked morsels of goodness is no shock to a native.

So off to Phil & Ms Kay’s go our truant duck call builders. Phil Robertson, the Duck Commander himself, is nowhere to be seen so Jase seeks permission from Ms Kay to procure Phil’s little aluminum boat for a bit of craw-fishin’. Wisely, the DD matriarch absolves herself from the imminent disaster (this is Jase Robertson we’re talking about, you know it’s gonna be a hilarious calamity) telling the fellas to take the boat if they want, she wants no part of it.

Of course they sink Phil’s boat. It was obviously scripted but still funny as hell. Four grown men crowded into a 14 foot aluminum boat already weighted down with a motor and crawfish nets, I think we can see where this is headed. According to Jase they forgot to make sure the drain plug was secure, in other words, there was a hole in the boat.

So, boat-less, no crawfish, not even one little mud-bug between ’em, the boys plod back to the Roberston Ranch to confess their sins to Father Phil. Who promptly turns them around, marches them back to the site of the sinking and supervises salvage operations.

Jase goes diving in the muddy river for the sunken boat and after several dives involving a long chain and a come-a-long tool (Southerners disdain motorized winches), the lost vessel was back on top of the water.

Duck Dynasty then continues its proud tradition of blowing stuff up. To commemorate it’s years of service the Grey Ghost dies a fiery death as the Robertson men (and those of us playing at home) watch with glee.

I sure wish I could blow something up, it looks like lots of fun.

 

 

 

** or not…

This pains me a bit but I can’t ‘un-see’ it. I did, I’m sharing it. But I’m keeping my blog as is, I’m not a rube, I know there’s no ‘reality’ in reality TV. I know the likelihood of a millionaire’s son driving a used car is pretty unlikely. I still like the show, but I have to say this disappoints me a little. I was so surprised and my first instinct was to delete this blog but, a while ago I was a journalist and that part of me can’t ignore this picture and not share it here. I still like the show, I’m still going to watch and I’ll still write about the show. I’m still a Duck Dynasty fan. But I won’t lie – this disappoints me.

This pains me a bit but I can’t ‘un-see’ it. As I wrote above, I wanted to link the Skyjacker website and I found Willie on the front page, I clicked the link and found pictures of several Roberston vehicles customized by Skyjacker, this was the last picture on the page. I found it, I’m sharing it. But I’m keeping my blog as is, I’m not a rube, I know there’s no ‘reality’ in reality TV. I know the likelihood of a millionaire’s son driving a used car is farfetched. I still like the show, but I have to say this disappoints me a little. I was so surprised and my first instinct was to delete this blog but, a while ago I was a journalist and that part of me can’t ignore this picture and not share it here. I still like the show, I’m still going to watch and I’ll still write about the show. I’m still a Duck Dynasty fan. But I won’t lie – this disappoints me.

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