Put A Duck Dynasty Ring On It

Posted on April 4, 2013

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Jase Roberston and I have something in common. Well, besides the fact that we’re both northeast Louisiana natives with unkempt facial hair. Neither of us wear wedding rings. Jase because he doesn’t like rings, me because I’m broke. My wife and I will celebrate 6 years of wedded bliss this October but we’re still waiting to buy the rings.

The Duck Dynasty episode ‘Ring Around the Redneck’ begins with Jase and his wife Missy shopping for rings. Well, Missy is ring-shopping, Jase is bellyaching about ring shopping and letting his redneck flag fly proudly, claiming ‘real men’ don’t wear jewelry. But after twenty years of marriage Missy isn’t taking no for an answer, she is ready to brand her spouse. Perhaps because he is now famous, Missy wants to send a message to any would-be hens hanging round her wooley rooster.

Jase finally picks a wedding ring out and starts calling it ‘The Precious’.

Actually, he promptly loses the ring while duck hunting with his brother Willie, his Uncle Si and his dad, Duck Commander Phil Robertson. The four of them are sitting in a duck blind, looking forever more like four bored crows sitting on a telephone line. Except crows don’t wear camouflage and carry pump shotguns. When a line of water fowl crosses their path the foursome rises and begins to blast away and somehow in the killing field confusion, Jase’s new wedding ring goes missing.

When he realizes this, Willie and Jase climb outta the duck blind and search the thigh-deep water for the missing ring, but Jase’s precious is seemingly lost forever. “I’ve lost boats in this river” he moans, “boats!”

Just when all is lost and it appears Missy Robertson may soon be googling divorce attorneys, Uncle Si comes to the rescue! Everyone’s favorite redneck uncle recalls that he owns a waterproof metal detector. He uses a walkie talkie to summon Jep Roberston and Duck Commander employee Reed.

The trio trek to Uncle Si’s domicile and after digging thru a storage shed that contained the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart – the fellas find the metal detector. Before leaving they test the metal detector out in Si’s yard and BBBEEEEPPPP, Uncle Si gets a ‘hit’ and suddenly recalls a lost treasure. According to northeast Louisiana’s resident redneck sage, a bucket of golden dongs is buried in his yard. I mean dongs as in Vietnamese currency by the way, not a buried bunch of golden phalli. Si served in ‘Nam and claims to have buried the bucket when he cam home in 1976.

So, Jase and his lost ring forgotten, the three men start digging the earth up in search of buried treasure!

After several hours they discover Uncle Si’s lost bucket of treasure. A coffee can filled with $40 worth of 1970’s era quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies.

What about those golden dongs? “I musta buried it somewhere else…”.

Meanwhile back at the duck blind, several hours pass and Willie and Jase realize that Uncle Si is not coming back. So how to replace the lost ring? With a tattoo of course! Yep, the oldest son and CEO of Duck Commander doesn’t wear a wedding ring either, he has a tattoo on his left ring finger instead.

So off the fellas go to visit a Monroe tattoo shop (do they still call ’em parlors?) and here I get a big thrill as they visit an old friend of mine, Greg Brown from Greg’s Body Art. Greg’s is one of the oldest tattoo shops in town, he was slinging ink long before tattoos got trendy. As Greg shows off a couple of his designs Jase suddenly ‘finds’ the lost ring. In his pocket.

So relax Missy, you can cancel that divorce attorney search now.

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