To Hell With This Blog

Posted on May 17, 2013

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I not only went to church every single time the doors opened, I went to my own personal Bible home-school every weekday morning with Mamaw Sliger.

She kept the good book in one hand, one of Papaw Sliger’s leather belts, usually a Sears & Roebuck, but sometimes a Montgomery Ward, in the other hand.

By the age of 5 I knew I was hell-bound, doomed to live a life filled with sin, die, then spend eternity in Hell. Mamaw Sliger was very literal about Hell. So serious she called Hell by it’s formal name, Gehenna.

The Devil was Ole Scratch if she was in a joking mood, Beelzebub if she was making a point based on Scripture, which believe me, was quite often. Hell wasn’t some volcano, with dancing red devils and pitchforks, no sir.

First of all, you’re on fire.

Secondly, did I mention, YOU ARE ON FIRE!

Then there’s this; Revelation 20:15: “Whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.” 

Excuse me? A lake of fire did you say? Why would a lake be made outta fire? Lakes are nice places, made for fishing, swimming, maybe a boat ride or two, what kinda fish could live in a lake of fire?

Hell was confusing too, it was a lake of fire but, it was also described as being a place of eternal blackness (2nd Peter: chapter 2), how could something on fire be dark too?

Plus it smelled, brimstone stink all over the joint. But if you’re on fire and in total blackness, just how high is the stench on your list of grievances? Seems like the brimstone-y smell wouldn’t be much of a priority.

Evidently being burned in blackness for all eternity isn’t enough for the Almighty, he also on occasion, sends your relatives over from Heaven to taunt you with ice water, and some of your fellow, undead, sinning zombies, they make fun of you too (Revelation: chapter all-over that whole crazy acid-trip of a Bible book).

Talk about overkill.

Or no kill I guess, since you’re already a flaming zombie.

And just how do you know your relatives are there to ask if you want a sip of their Dasani? Hello, it’s eternally black, remember?

And just who are these fellow tenants of Gehenna tormenting you anyway? That seems like a better gig than just standing around burning in the darkness, I’d try for that promotion, but what do you have to do?

Are these average everyday sinners, adulterers, thieves, wife-beaters, whatever an idolater is, or did you have to be a much o-grande sinner in life, a serial killer or a child rapist, a sinner on par with Hitler, Judas or Bin Laden to get the privilege of haranguing fellow inmates in the underworld?

If so, this seems particularly unfair.

Why should those guys get the light work while the poor schmuck who embezzled a million dollars does all the Hellish heavy lifting?

Also, I realize I’m repeating myself here, but I really feel like this point can’t be stressed enough; YOU ARE ON FIRE!!!

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