Random Tweets – September Edition

Posted on September 17, 2013

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These are all original jokes except for the ones I stole from other people. Those are also mine because I said so that’s why.

So a pipeline spill & a deadly nuclear plant accident in Arkansas this weekend. Whatever you’re doing to piss off God please stop Arkies.

He said I got this tribal in ’06 for my first baby’s mama so I had to stab him 47 times Chap. 19, page 688, my self-published autobiography

Justin Beiber’s monkey has attacked North Korea. Courage

In spite of all this sage, it’s still a stringy rat in a cage. Next time I will use more garlic. #RockMusicReceipes

In ancient times a great female bartender was often called ‘Mother of Flagons’. #AnotherTrueFactIJustMadeUp

Happy 40TH birthday to the cell phone! Thank you for giving Americans another alternative when driving or sitting on the toilet.

Chocolate rabbits seem kinda innocent somehow. I eat them sure, but I feel guilty afterward. Not when I eat real rabbits though. Weird huh?

People always say I would wrestle a bear but nobody ever says I would wrestle a porcupine. Discuss.

After 4 kids dem titties are crawling down her chest trying to escape. My wife Amy about Heidi Klum #IDidntSeeItTho…

Lady Gaga is 27 today so this year she’ll either die or continue to morph into Madonna.

Me: He is such a bogue. Amy: What’s that? Me: It’s slang for bogus, as in ‘That is so bogus’ you never heard that? Amy: No #BringingItBack

Is gluttonous the opposite of gluten-free?

SPOILER ALERT! The Governor kills Betty Draper on tonight’s Game of Thrones.

Django Unchained CPI

My wife says texts with me are like conversing with someone in the throes of a mini-stroke. #Bitch

Gillette and Axe commercials, MTV reality shows, the Geico lizards fame, dudes who refuse to pee outside, Skrillex. #ProofManIsDevolving.

I’m a narcissist working up slowly to a self-aggrandizement degree.

You say stigmata, I say stigmoto.

After much personal reflection, I’ve made sad decision not to pursue Broadway choreography career. Thanks to you all for understanding.

Pixar Script Idea: Bruce Lee is a Radio Flyer in “Enter the Wagon”.

My 4y/o son is a natural smart ass. Sorta 80s sitcom like. A white Webster if you will.

On days like this Americans are truly at their best. Except for Internet news story commenters, those assholes are still pretty horrible.

Where you gestated shouldn’t entitle you to a free ride for life. Looking right at you George W. Bush and Melissa Rivers.

Pains me to break this to y’all but Flipper was horribly racist towards Amazon river dolphins. I know this hurts but it’s better you know.

Look, the rumors and 1/2 truths being disseminated are not helping, here is what we know; they’ll be no, REPEAT NO, Friends reunion. #Fact

I usually don’t deal in false equivalencies but I have to say the way AT&T is treating me is kinda like how the Nazis treated the Gypsies.

Reuters just mistakenly killed George Soros, when Sean Hannity found out he was still alive, he got wicked pissed about his wasted boner.

Dick Cheney: Why are we wasting time chasing thru Boston when we should be gearing up to invade Moldavia?

‘Screw it, lets invade Tibet, always wanted me one of them Yeti skin rugs’ – George W Bush

Say, I just remembered! Wasn’t there something going on with Lil Kim and North Korea? Or was it Dennis Rodman and Psi?

“Am I so gullible that I’m brilliant?” – Your typical Alex Jones fan

Reality: ‘You just cannot make this stuff up’. Alex Jones: ‘Yes, yes I can’.

If Nicki Minaj were Native American and engaged in a sexual threesome, would it be called a Nicki Minaj-A-Squaw?

I say we compromise: Gay men can be Boy Scouts if straight men relinquish their cosmetology license.

When my daughter and son inevitably say I was a bad father I will reply ‘Oh yeah, well you two were no Luke & Leia Skywalker either’

Double secret spoiler alert! Tyrion and Peggy hook up tonight + Jon Hamm talks tight pants w/Chris Hardwick and Kevin Smith on Talking Dead.

Spoiler Shields Up! Eunuch Dragon Zombies on Boardwalk Empire tonight, also we found out who shot JR and a Lost reunion that explains all.

Dear people upset by the Reese Witherspoon story today, please know I revel with childish delight at your disappointment. #LegallyBwahahaha

Futurama canceled. Alex Jones blames Bilderbergs, Sen McCain wants to bomb Iran, Mike Huckabee calls for Comedy Central Appreciation Day.

Whenever you re-post a Facebook recipe, somewhere in the world, a child dies from starvation. #TheMoreYouKnow

I’m not saying my ego is getting out of control here but if someone wants to make an animal sacrifice to me I’m not gonna try and stop them.

Pat Buchanan. Because Alex Jones can’t do this shit by himself.

FYI; I still hate Rihanna and think her music sucks hairy Bantha balls and her fans are the dregs from a cup of bat guano. #KatyPerryAlsoSux

I just like ‘Red Dawn’ on Facebook before I realized it was remake and not the original, so goodbye cruel world.

In case you needed further proof that American gov’t was totally in the sh#tter; The US DOJ has filed a civil suit against Lance Armstrong.

“We have hungry people, we have sick people, so, we’ll let the hungry eat the sick. There, problem solved.” Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal.

My wife just compared us to Laverne & Shirley, I said can we at least be Starsky & Hutch? She said CHiPs. #HateMyLife #DontAskWhoIsWho

Yeah… She was Ponch dammit.

Airbrush shops are the tattoo parlors of yesteryear. #ModernDayNostalgia

Pacific Islander is a racist term and I will not have you people saying it anymore.

Just saw Facebook recipe pic: Big, Fat, Easy Yeast Rolls. If you drop the ‘Rolls’, it sounds like a chubby swinger’s nightmare weekend.

“ACHTUNG! …Sherry.” – A German man trying to catch the attention of his girlfriend but not sound like a Nazi.

There are so many crazy conspiracy theories, and you know who puts them all out there? The Freemasons, the CIA and the Jews. -God

Every other commercial on TV is a road buddy comedy: Follow Chet & Rob on their quest to dump at every Citgo in the US, like us on Facebook!

My plan: Meet Duck Dynasty, convince them to make parody song, “I killed a squirrel and I liked it”. Boom! I’m rich just like Jay Z & Cher.

When I saw someone wish the Backstreet Boys a Happy 20th Anniversary, I knew the end was near. Page 892, my self titled/published auto-bio.

A Mormon Bishop with a Samurai Sword is an actual news story today. It’s also a dream I had after too many Shitake mushrooms in 1989.

The seatbelt shoulder strap in this Lincoln Continental is slightly chafing. #FirstWorldProblems

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