The Random Tweeting of a Sick Man

Posted on October 2, 2013

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An attractive white woman has been found guilty. Rest easy in your righteous rage oh brave America. #SuckItCaseyAnthony

I think maybe hell is Gwyneth Paltrow singing a Katy Perry karaoke mix. In French.

Do you want with this information: Your average Big Bang Theory fan is ALWAYS susceptible to the Jedi mind trick. Now, I’ve said my peace.

The Harlem Shaken Babies is just too awful for my http://www.rejectedbandnames.tumblr.com I’m really sorry @Oprah

When a person shaves one side of their head I wanna go back in time to murder their great X10 grandfather.

‘Dropped a Comb On You’ would have been an super-groovy name for a 70’s era urban salon. #RightOn

Chicken Fatticus is my new KFC grease recycling/legal advice business. #Classics

Behind every successful person is a trust fund and more likely than not some high grade cocaine.

Welcome to the Jungle, we got Capri Sun & Wet Wipes. #ParentRock

What I yam is what I yam so shoke me in the shallow water – Popeye Brickell

Abandoned rest areas along the interstate seem so wistful to me, just think of all the anonymous sexual encounters unfulfilled.

Do the paint jobs on modern day U-Haul trucks look like embarrassed acid trips to you guys? Might just be me…

Piping hot pizza from a convenience store is proof America’s best days lie ahead.

You say tomato, I say DIE! #Mondays

I used to think cartographers were shopping cart experts but I’ve just been informed they’re golf cart manufacturers. #TheMoreYouKnow #Smart

Answer: Because Clarissa explained nothing. Question: Why are middle class white women in their 30’s so bitter?

‘A Whiter Shade of Braille’ would make an awesome autobiography title in case any of you know any deaf people looking for one. Your welcome.

“What the Lord meant was, ‘she better be a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed’, that is all I, and God are saying”. – Pat Robertson

Gonna build a floor in a parking garage. I will sit on a chair on that floor and sing, ‘No Parkin’ Baby, No Parkin’ On The Chad’s Floor.

My wife: You ruin so many things for me. Me: And to make it worse that kinda makes me happy. I’m really horrid aren’t I? #MyLife

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony looks like Matlock-Con.

Seth MacFarlane won’t host the Oscars again. I hope all you prejudiced against anti-adult cartoonist/mediocre impressionist are happy now.

Has Pat Robertson figured out who to blame for Oklahoma yet? Pat’s choices: Liberals, Hoodies, Muslims, Gays, or Obama? Place your bets!

You’re lying on the floor under a glass table as a naked Paula Dean does the splits overhead. #AnorexicHell

The Future: Huge 3D printers churn out tattoo shops, payday loans and rent-to-own appliance stores while our clones Facebook for us.

My pop culture references are really dated. It’s one of the ‘Things That Make Ya Go Hmm’. *tinker-bell f/x, sly wink

Who wears short-shorts? People who wash their 100% cotton sportswear in hot water, that’s who.

If Seth MacFarlane isn’t writing a ‘Chinese Sewer Pipe Miracle Baby’ parody song right now, I’ll eat your grandma’s Easter hat.

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