Random Tweets – Giraffe Riddle Edition

Posted on October 30, 2013

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Sometimes, late at night while the world sleeps, I sit on my front porch, stargaze and wonder; Mr. Mister ever get that broken wing fixed?

Alcohol may not solve my problems but water, tea nor milk have ever offered me any investment tips. Or made you prettier for that matter.

How happy are people w/saved $ by switching to Geico? Happier than me beating the person w/came up with that annoying ad campaign to death.

Medical Query: Can margarita salt in your belly button cause hallucinations?

Sometimes, late at night while the world sleeps, I sit on my front porch, stargaze and wonder; Is Bonnie Tyler STILL holding out for a hero?

‘Seemed like it all kinda went to hell after John Denver’s plane crash in ’97.’ Chapter 19, page 436, my autobiography: The Charming Bastard

Chicken wire is now called ‘poultry netting’. #FinalStraw

Also, twine is now called jute rope. Why do we keep renaming sh@t? #confusesme

Chewbacca versus the TSA, Agent Smith is pitching General Electric products. Et tu, science fiction?

Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take but how many times you survive auto asphyxia.

‘Sit on my Throne, as the Prince of Con Air’ – would make a great mashup for Will Smith and Nicholas Cage. Somebody make that happen please.

You know who gets a bad rap? Goons. Totally misunderstood bunch.

The names have been changed to protect me from the people who would like to sue me. *Disclaimer for my autobiography.

“I hope all you uppity folks like my apology.” – Paula Deen

Guy Fieri hates all Samoans and senior citizens from Fiji but I never heard anyone complain about that! #BUTTER

Recent Development: Kid Rock said something and I was like ‘Yeah, right on.’ So that makes me sad.

When I am mad at myself I buy out-of-date meat and undercook it. That’ll teach me to be a jerk.

Kids, never text inappropriate photos, unless someday you plan to run for NYC mayor. Or for any public office in South Carolina.

I just used the word ‘hella’ an internal thought so I’m drawing a warm bath and sharpening my favorite razor now. #GoodbyeCruelWorld

Mark Zuckerberg came up w/the name Facebook after a schoolyard incident when he was beaten about the head and shoulders with a math book.

It’s a proven fact that Kate Bosworth fans do quite poorly on aptitude tests and I won’t be called a racist for pointing out that fact.

Pilot: Gesticulating mute detective solves crimes w/his seeing eye Teacup Poodle ‘Bea Arthurton I’ and a double headed laser pointer. CBS?

Holy Tri-Lateral Commission Bilderberg Snicker-Doodles! I just heard that Candy Crush is an Obama gov’t conspiracy, help me @RealAlexJones!

I hope Wills and Kates think outside the box to name the baby, something fresh like Dinkle Braclelet or Whoopie Sneaks or Ziggy Pudding.

Finally saw that infamous Geraldo shower pic, just me, or does he look kinda like an 80 y/o Tony Stark? #RoseColoredGlasses

They named the Royal Baby George Kostanza?

Google Earth is just Instagram in a Hyundai #pretentious

*These are original jokes except for the ones I stole.

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