Batman lives in my house.
Not Bruce Wayne of DC Comic, Adam West/Micheal Keaton/Christian Bale/Ben Affleck fame (no disrespect George Clooney/Val Kilmer). No, this Batman is a dog, the son of my Chihuahua Coco. Let’s call it a youthful indiscretion on her part. I call it that because it sounds better than admitting the truth; I’m an irresponsible pet owner and failed to have Coco neutered before she bore a litter in the cat litter.
Literally – I came home from work one day and found Coco nestled in the cat litter box suckling four balls of 1/2 chihuahua, 1/2 nearest swingin’ mutt Coco could find when she was in heat. These balls soon grew into barking, peeing, shedding, flea-attracting puppies and when the last two, a boy and a girl – couldn’t find good homes, we reluctantly assimilated the little poop factories into our household.
We had to name these puppies, it was the only way to know which one we were yelling at when they soiled the rug or ate a pair of underwear. The task fell to my wife and son. My wife named the girl Lucy, after Lucille Bluth from the TV-turned-Netflix series ‘Arrested Development’. It fits as Lucy the dog is a conniving, spiteful little bitch, exactly like the character portrayed brilliantly by Jessica Walter on the show.
My son named the male pup Batman, however he is nothing like Bruce Wayne, or Christian Bale or even Ben Affleck for that matter. Well, maybe the ‘Gigli’ Ben Affleck. Our Batman is a doofus you see. A doofus who chews on everything, seriously, our Batman will gnaw on anything. Shoes, underwear, family heirlooms, the occasional PlayStation controller, cat-poop, he finds everything tasty does this Dark Knight Detective who resides in our home.
He is housebroken of course, but recently, after we moved, Batman succumbed to the canine urge to mark his territory. When he peed on our brand new couch my poor wife almost had a heart attack. I believe “WHAT THE %@* BATMAN!”, was her reaction. Our new neighbors could probably verify that.
When did Americans stop naming our pets Fido and Spot and Trixie or Sasha? For me, I guess it was 1991 when my roommate and I adopted a stray kitten and named the little fella Bart Simpson. Unfortunately, our Bart Simpson met an untimely end, crossing the road in front of our house at the wrong time. DOH!
It’s kinda weird when you think about it, the way we name our dogs and cats after fictional characters. I wonder if there are others like myself out there, admonishing their own Batman. A Thor, or Bo Duke or Chewbacca or even Walter White might be getting the business end of their owner’s tongue right now. And what about actual people, I met a dog named Winston Churchill once and I had a friend who owned a cat named Einstein. Just imagine that right now in the world someone is screaming “No! Bad Shakespeare! No chewing mommy’s slipper” or “Dammit Dennis Hopper, quit chasing cars”!
Actually, I’m starting to warm up to this idea, in fact, let’s take it a step further. Why not match the name to the dog to a corresponding personality. A mean-tempered grouchy old mutt could be named Dick Cheney, pretentious female dogs with an over inflated sense of self-worth would henceforth be called Gwyneth Paltrow while the males would answer to Kanye. An old female could be named Joan Rivers, we can call the males Jack Nicholsons. A funny dog could be a Steve Martin or Eddie Murphy or any Southpark character, depending on the owner’s age. Horny dogs, no matter the gender, Clinton. Wide-eyed dopey dogs Taylor Swift or that sparkly vampire kid from Twilight. Morose dogs, like Droopy for instance, would be Joaquin Phoenix for the guys, the girlfriend of the sparkly vampire Twilight kid for girl doggies.
But no more Batmans please, that one is ours.
Feel free to name your dog after Ben Affleck though.
Coming to bookstores 11/10/14 – ‘Legendary Locals of Monroe’
Using images curated from historical records, personal family archives, and private collections, award-winning television journalist and radio host Griffin Scott and social media marketer Amy Sliger take a peek into the lives of luminaries both famous and infamous, from eras recent and long past.