Dear John Q Military, We Need To Talk…

Posted on February 6, 2013


America has some bad news for you, I think we need to take a break.

Now wait, just listen please, it’s us, it’s not you.

You’re great, we’ve sent you off to fight for God, freedom, apple pie and oil companies and defense contractors and you never complained, you just went back for deployment after deployment after deployment for 11 & 1/2 years and counting.

That is just one of the many things we love that about you, your dedication, your sacrifice. Why else do we make such pretty Facebook posts and patriotic memes? In fact, sometimes we’re so inspired by your selfless courage we even post them on regular days, not just Veteran’s Day and 4th of July.

So please, don’t be upset when you read this, OK? –

I realize a pay cut is tough to swallow, after all, some of you have been forced to apply for food-stamps in order to feed your families and gosh, I know that’s gotta be tough, dodging bullets and IED’s, occasionally seeing a friend get blown to pieces, surrounded by a hostile population and on top of that – you guys (and gals too) have to worry about junior going to bed hungry?

But, even though we’re ‘on a break’, and by ‘break’ I mean we’re cutting your already to-damn-low salary, please understand we appreciate your service.

Well, we like saying we appreciate your service, it makes us feel almost as good as our patriotic Facebook posts.

I know, I know. You’re right, you don’t deserve this.

But try and understand, we have to cut your pay for fighting and bleeding and occasionally dying for America, the deficit its like, really, REALLY high, and we all have to sacrifice, some more than others.

And by some I mean you and your families and by others I mean all the job creators who’ve gotten raises in the form of tax cuts for 30+ years.

You’ve been so patient with us and the rest of America knows it must seem unfair to take money out of your pocket but c’mon trooper, tax cut – oops, I mean tax incentives, those ain’t free ya know what I’m saying?

No, you’re not wrong, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. After the Bush/Cheney years you must have thought we’d learned our lesson and at first it seemed as if we had, but Obama/Biden turned out to be an extension of the same old policies. Truth to tell, they are the same ones Clinton/Gore and Reagan/Bush before them supported too. 

There is a silver lining here US military, you guys have something that most of us would kill (no pun intended) to have; job security. President Obama has sent you to Libya, Uganda, Syria, Turkey, Jordan and Yemen just to name a few and look for some very exciting job opportunities soon in Iran too!

But wait, there’s more! Between NDAA and our government deciding it’s perfectly legal to murder American citizens with no due process (a move that made even Sith Lord and poor marksman Dick Cheney say, ‘Damn, ya think we maybe taking this a bit too far?’), you may very soon be able to practice your trade right here in the good old U.S. of A.

And no, there isn’t someone else.

Don't like that pay cut? Fine, I'll do it myself!

Don’t like that pay cut? Fine, I’ll do it myself!


Robot Soldiers don’t need silly old paychecks, best step up your game puny humans.

What, you thought automation could only replace auto workers?

What, you thought automation could only replace auto workers?

Up for the role of Goose in the remake of TopGun, set for release in 2027

Up for the role of Goose in the remake of TopGun, set for release in 2027

Why would you think that?


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